Neal's business partner, Jerry, recently went with his mother for her first time to the temple. Her husband wouldn't allow her to go through while he was alive, so she waited the one year necessary after his death and finally was able to go and be sealed to him. She was in her nineties.
I think about how long she waited to have the blessings of a sealed eternal family and think to myself, "I guess I haven't waited nearly as long as she did, so I can wait a little longer." And then I think about Abraham and Sarah and I sure hope we won't be asked to raise a toddler in our 90's out in the wilderness. No thank you. I will settle for a few more years of waiting for my family. It's so hard not to worry, though, that they might not find us, but that just boils down to my extreme lack of faith.
Mother's Day is this Sunday, and although we have a beautiful, charming four-year-old daughter, it doesn't make the holiday any easier to bear. I have marked and accepted my limits on certain activities related to babies and mothers, and going to church on Mother's Day is one of those things beyond my limits. Baby showers is another place where the line is drawn. Acknowledging those circumstances that make me a depressed, self-wallowing mess and avoiding them without excuse has made life a little easier to deal with.
People are often unaware that just because we have been able to adopt one child, the pain of not being able to adopt or conceive another child is still there. I guess it will always be there, more intense at some times than others. However, I realized a little later than sooner that we all have to figure out our own ways to live beyond the pain and still find joy, or else we will waste our time waiting when we could be living.
So to that, I say "Happy Queens and Priestesses Day." To the mother who gave birth to me and has taught me so much, to the birth mother who gave us a beautiful child, to the mothers who are my friends even on my darkest days, to the mothers who are still waiting to be mothers, and to the mothers who are my in-laws, grandmothers, and my sisters in many ways. I love you all for the parts you are playing in my life.
It's funny when you draw the line and then make an exception. I told myself I would never go to another baby shower again, then I was invited to my step-sisters shower and I thought...well maybe I should go to support her, how bad could it hurt? Well note to self never, never, never make an exception when you've already learned that lesson. As I walk in the door I'm handed a drink with a tiny baby in an ice-cube and am told to shout out when my "water breaks" and my baby comes. I was about to drop it on the floor and run. Sometimes when I think I've moved on and I'm "okay" I realize this healing of infertility may never be gone. I thank God for wonderful friends that understand and can cry with me when the pain seems like to much to handle alone or when my husband tells me "maybe it's all in your head". Thank you Brenda for sharing this blog with me and for being my shoulder to cry on.
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